Aurelius and Perfection (#02)

In the last week, I've been worrying a lot about how long my current project, Project Hollow, will take. It took me more than two years to work on my first full-on book (Project Ghoul), and that was only a first draft! I still have to revise it. So naturally, I worry that Project Hollow is going to take a similarly long amount of time or longer. Will I be senile by the end of it?

I'm currently on scene 9 of around 40 planned scenes, and with that number in mind, I feel a little despondent.

This isn't a new feeling. It comes and goes.

Each time, I have to remind myself that the point of all this is the writing—the writing—that's the joy.

A lot of these feelings seem to be entwined in aspiring for perfection. If I've got a finished product and it's all done and ready for a stranger to read, then I've done it. I can check it off my to-do list. And then that's it. I float away into eternity.

But as much as I enjoy ticking things off a list, it's not what I want to define my everyday. The list and its completion don't fill me with that special feeling, like stringing together a beautiful sentence does.

So what if it's taken me several months to get through eight scenes? Have I not enjoyed creating a world out of nothing, moulding a delicious story together, and making it all sing? Hell yeah. It's been so fulfilling. That's why I write. Remember that.

If anyone is reading this and feeling that they, too, are taking too long to get their manuscript done, take a moment to give yourself some perspective. You're doing the thing. That's what matters.

On another note, I recently finished Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. What a treat! It's a collection of his private journal entries, a look into the mind of a Roman Emperor and philosopher. They are a fascinating study, and I highly recommend them to anyone interested in philosophy.

What a character. What a man. Truly. So solid and steadfast. He pondered death constantly, not in a macabre kind of way but in the sort of way he used it to remind himself that all that mattered was the present and that he should hold fast to his principles and morals; be a good man, a good ruler, just, fair, kind and civic-minded.

The way he writes to himself is so cutting at times. He really tries to shake himself out of pursuing fame and meaningless pleasures. He epitomises what I think most would consider a good man.

It's funny, before reading Meditations, I thought a good just man was a boring character to write about, but I couldn't have been more wrong. The way Aurelius struggles with his ego and repeats that no one will remember his name one day, so that he should make his every moment count and be content with his lot, is fascinating. It made me realise how rare such attributes are in the rulers we have in our present day.

I'm interested in writing a character inspired by him one day.

Here are some of my favourite lines from Meditations:

Many grains of frankincense on the same altar: one falls before, another falls after, but it makes no difference. (4.16)

I find his words about the ashes of incense to be so poetic. Here’s another:

To those who ask, where have you seen the gods, or how do you comprehend that they exist and so worship them, I answer, in the first place, they may be seen even with the eyes. In the second place, neither have I seen even my own soul, and yet I honor it. Thus then with respect to the gods, from what I constantly experience of their power, from this I comprehend that they exist, and I venerate them. (12.28)

It was so hard to pick my favourite lines. But this last one resonates with a lot of people:

Remember that all is opinion. For what was said by the Cynic Monimus is manifest: and manifest too is the use of what was said, if a man receives what may be got out of it as far as it is true. (2.15)

Ok, back to writing. So much to write, so little time. But that's ok.